Anyone who has read my blog latley knows that i'm readying a self help book. Well, I shall finish that book today and make some conclusions about my life but before I do I want to sit here and ponder a few issues. Please keep reading if you would like to ponder with me...

1. What is wrong with me anyway?

     What is wrong with me is that 25% of the time I am still stuck in the past. What I mean by that simply is that in my life time there have been a few times I have had the 3rd degree burn of life. It happens to everyone... Usually, and I have a tough time getting past that, because my little voice in there has drawn from those experiences and, at cerrain times in my life it tells me how horrid I am, not worth it, not good enough, that i'm damaged. And, since this is myself talking to me I believe it. But now, i am AWARE of this voice, and because i'm aware of this voice I feel like I can begin taking steps to SHUT IT THE HELL UP.

2. Why has it taken this long to do anything?

     I am a 36 year old mother of 4. I had a great ability for IGNORING what is wrong with me and believing that I do not have the worth of a battery. I have been lying to myself for DECADES. Which makes that voice tell me how pathetic I am, someone had me a BAT all ready please?

Ok, with the following said I can here by take a step foreward, I think. Maybe. And, yes this process this past few weeks has been horrendous. I have been just sitting here with this book closing it telling myself it's too damn difficult, I don't want to do this, I am comfortable where I am. Which is TOTALLY and completely WRONG. That is that voice that is comfy NOT ME! So it's time to kick it in the pants and move on. I hope that I can blog later on in life days, weeks and months that I have overcome this voice and these issues and this problem. I hope I can prove as a effective example that beating yourself up is something no one should do, not even you >.<

Gotta Love Geneen Roth !

     I have been reading  Women, food and God latley and I am going to tell you, it's making me think. It's not the normal self help book. It wants you to look inside yourself for the answers and not to what your addiction/compusion/obsession is. It's making me take a hard look at where things went awry for me.

     I can give you just a few serious times in my life where I was in the blackest pits. But, the point is while I was in those blackest pits I learned how to beat myself up. Tell myself things that aren't true. And, I learned those lessons so well I became a shell of who I really am. I distrusted those who loved me the most, I withdrew from everyone, and fought hard to keep them away. I still do this, but It's something I am working on.

     I have seriously been blessed with a loving family, and even more devoted friends. I do not have a TON of really close friends. I tend to keep them at arms length. And, that is not thier fault it's mine and something I want them to know I am really trying hard to fix. There are so many people in my life that have made a diffrence that If I sat here and wrote about one till I finished I could type for the next five years and go though two people. I am very closed up about I feel. And, this book is helping me see that. Why am I posting this? I have no idea LOL

     But, thank you for reading all that drivvel. And, I really do apologize if it makes no sense but I suppose I wrote it to get it out of my head and on paper so it would be real. Err screen, not paper, oi!

If you do try self help what do you do? Books? Tapes? CD's? Dr's?

I myself have tried all the above and i'm still working on getting though what I think my issue is at the moment. ALL I know is I don't want to feel like this so I'm going to keep at it However, what do you do to work on what you think might be your issues ?

I had so much fun spending time with my girls (minus one who was at work call) and shopping not for anything in perticular just cause. We found some amazing deals and looked at even more things. It was relaxing and bonding I suppose. I picked up this cute necklace at Deb's for 2 bucks. Yup two dollars. Then, for some strange reason I decided to go to bed bath and beyond on the way home. It's awesome that I did I picked up comforters for 9.99 a piece. A good day with some really good deals if I do say so myself!

     Oh yes the lovliest time of the year my fellow bloggers! When the snow melts, when the tempratures warm and OUT COMES THE POLLEN!! Yes, it is the pollen season, which until now has never hit me. And, I guess it was saving it up cause it hit me in force. It knocked me on my butt. Literally! It started sat thought maybe I slept wrong while I was over at my brothers no big thing right? WHATEVER! LOL then yesterday while at work  I started feeling really crummy, came home and with the exception of calling in, I slept 12 hours and 30 minutes! I have not done that in a very long time. I went to the docs and she has me all fixed up. She said it'll take a few days before I feel right as rain but in the mean time get some sleep and liquify ^_^. So, I am!

How about you guys and one else suffering extremely bad? I know my better half usually has the issues and right now nothing for him. I'm like dude >.<!

      I have been online since my third oldest daughter ( i have four) was about 6 months old. She will be 12 in april. And, over that time. I have met a lot of people that i've grown to adore, love and really.... honestly hate. I used to be a Drama Queen. USED to. I only have flashbacks once in a while now . But, honestly how many out there really have awesome friends that have have met exclusively online. I have so many people who have touched my heart. I could start listing them and keep going

What about you?

     No really, I did! And, the reason why is making me very <3!! You see I had to get rid of about 3/4ths of my clothes cause they were too Large. ((small edit... I have lost a total of 56lbs in 14 months... here was the issues)) When I was putting on my pants the other day I had the crotch of some all most to my knee. Now, I said I wasn't going to buy ANYTHING till I lost it all but, that was not practical. So, I'm buying a little here and there.  And, then these can be my large clothes and I'll buy a smaller size as it becomes available. Please no haters, this is a awesome accomplishement for me. 

     The thing is what to do with the clothes, Chruch, one of those yellow bins on the street corner or good will. I've all ready let everyone I know go though it all. And, not all of it was cause of size, some of it I just did not care for and I knew I was not going to wear. So, there is no use for keeping it. My dear husband accused me of getting rid so I could go shopping again. IMAGINE that. Who would ever accuse me of shopping?

I am wondering how we are doing with these.

I had two.

1. To lose 10 lbs.

    -Not doing too badly with this one about half way there!

2. To enjoy my life more.

    - I am actually trying to keep this one. It's been difficult to do so

Now with lent coming up. I have to decide what to give up there as well. Last year I gave up Chocolate. And, I did it too. So, I am thinking on this year and it starts on Thrusday Any ideas?

 I just have to say that I used to love snow.

I used to now, I don't know about that white stuff outside where it seems to be 5 inches since this morning BUT! It's snow, and it's the kind you play with. Big wet fat fluffy flakes.  The kind you catch on your tounge, the kind you make snow angels in. The kind that makes you love winter. It's just warm enough to be not so cold while playing in it. Then you come in soaked and you didn't realize you were cold till you strip off clothes and feel your legs. hehe

Random thoughts!!

<3 snow!!!

 Ok, I still love snow

 Ok, I have a small question for you. I had a miss hap last friday which ended me up with 7 stiches across my left brow

I agree it's hidious however being so close to the brow line, my question is do you think I should do anything about it? Or, simply leave it be and let it fade?